Today was just one of those days. I think that every mother probably has a day like this - a day that just absolutely breaks your heart. With Kaitlyn I've had more of these days than I care to count.
I try to prepare myself for the fact that Kaitlyn is growing up, and the fact is that at 8 years old she is becoming increasingly aware that not only does she have Cerebral Palsy, but that dealing with this condition is exhausting, frustrating, painful, and annoying. However I'm still taken off guard sometimes when she blurts out her feelings about all of this seemingly out of the blue, like what happened today.
As we were in the car driving home from dance class, we were chit-chatting about the usual stuff...what's for dinner, if she has to go to Connor's soccer practice, and the fact that she is so happy that she has no homework this week. Then after a brief silence Kaitlyn told me that she knows what she's going to wish for this year from Santa. Knowing that Kaitlyn begins forming her Christmas wish list on December 26th, I wasn't at all surprised to hear this. In my mind I figured she'd ask for some Littlest Pet Shop animals, some new clothes from Justice, and an IPod Touch. Instead when I asked her what it was she was going to wish for, she answered "To be like a regular kid".
She then got all choked up, and while doing her best to hold back tears she went on to tell me that it's really hard to have Cerebral Palsy. She said she's been dealing with this for 8 years, and that's a really, really long time. She said that she's tired of falling and getting hurt, and that nobody understands how hard her life is. She's frustrated that easy things like walking are hard for her, and that's not fair. She also asked me if she was going to have to deal with this for her whole life.
Talk about heart wrenching.
I think that this has been building up over the last week. She's taken a couple of hard falls, including one where she fell on the concrete around a friend's pool while she was just trying to carry her sno cone to a seat. I can't really imagine a sadder image than Kaitlyn lying face first on the concrete surrounded by her spilled blue sno cone :(
When she told me this in the car, I did my best in the moment to acknowledge that I know how tough it is for her, and that I understand her feelings. Later when I got home from Connor's soccer practice I sat in her room with her and had a long talk about all of this, which I hope made her feel a little bit better. However, there really is nothing I can say that is truly going to make her life easier. The truth is that she is right. Having Cerebral Palsy is really hard. Falling and scraping her knees, elbows, and head all of the time is awful. Being 8 years old and unable to ride a bike, play on a soccer team, or jump in a bounce house is truly sad. Knowing that she will have to deal with this for the rest of her life is just plain unfair.
Having said all of that I truly do acknowledge that I need to have some perspective. I know that there are millions of children facing much more dire and challenging situations than Kaitlyn. I count my blessing all the time that Kaitlyn is doing as well as she is. Many children born as early as she was face much more difficult roads through life than she does. However explaining that to a sweet little 8 year old is incredibly hard.
Since I'm pretty sure that Santa isn't going to grant Kaitlyn's Christmas wish, I really do wish I had a magic wand to wave to make this all go away for her...
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Oh my heart aches for you both, and I understand this. I really do. Emma has often said that she would like to be a "real" kid as she puts it. It makes me hate CP. It's so hard because as mothers we feel like we are supposed to fix everything, and this is one of those things we cannot really fix.
ReplyDeleteI am crying as I type this because I am feeling much frustration from and for Emma as she is getting older. Emma's 8 too. Emma's life seems so limited at times and that hurts. Nothing is easy for her, and helping her do things is getting harder for me too because she is getting so big. I can nolonger lift her up or carry her some places to make things happen. It's like we are fitting in less and less, and that was NOT how I had hoped things would go. I can only imagine how Emma must feel having always watch others do the things she cannot do.
Hearing Kaitlyn's thoughts really gives me a bit of insight into what Emma might be thinking.
I am sorry that Kaitlyn is feeling this way, and I am sorry that you have to have your heart broken. Don't feel like you have to justify yourself because of Kaitlyn's accomplishments. The hardships of CP still BITE! The fact that Kailyn can express that so well at such a young as is both wonderful and sadly thought provoking.
Tara, you are a fantastic mother. You have helped her have many opportunities for grwoth and progress. You have really helped Kaitlyn be who she is. I am so glad that she was able to articulate and share with you how she is feeling. It shows that she knows you love her and that you will listen. Most importantly, it shows that she knows you understand.
I wish I had more powerful words of wisdom and comfort, but I cannot seem to come up with anything.
While Kaitlyn may have a few physical challenges, it is so obvious that she has such a bright future ahead of her in so many other ways. She is so bright and confident in so many other ways. Now, that is something to be happy about.
Hugs!
Ugh, that is gut wrenching! CP really is so cruel and it's so hard knowing that our kids will deal with it their whole lives. Malayna is 7 but I have no idea how she views her life because she can't really tell me. She is so far behind Kaitlyn in cognitive abilities and maturity. As Amy said, Kaitlyn is very bright and has so much going for her and I know she'll go far in life because she has that will to overcome. She has amazed me so much already and you are an amazing Mom who gives her the best opportunities out there. Big hugs to both you and Kaitlyn.
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